Saturday, September 19, 2009

Still Not Okay

I could use some good thoughts right now. I'm really not doing okay. Don't worry, my friend is keeping constant tabs on me and we're discussing whether I should go to the hospital.

The main issue for me is that I don't want to miss work. But if I don't fix this soon I won't be able to work. I can tell.

Also, going to the hospital -- you feel like bipolar takes everything away from you, and then you cling to the fact that you've never been hospitalized for it. At least you have that.

But hospital is 1-0 -- you're in or out. And it's dramatic and it means something to other people. The truth is that I can't count the number of times I was sick enough to go to the hospital. That's a spectrum, not 1-0 -- and pretending that going to the hospital is something worse than needing to go to the hospital is buying into the 1-0 crap.

(BTW, if Kanye West doesn't have a diagnosis yet, I have one for him.)

I got someone to work for me on Monday so now I have three days off in a row. I can call doctors on Monday, talk things over with my therapist, and try to settle down a few notches. See if I'm recoverable at this point. I'm worse at home than at work, actually, but the extended me-space might help.

I know I shouldn't push myself, but if I felt unsafe in this setup (with the lifesaver guardian-angel friend especially) I'd be there by now.

What got me spiraling, I think, was the increased pain from the steroids. It was scary, then---cascade of mood problems. Sometimes I don't know why all of us aren't in hospitals.

I cringe at publishing this post but this is something we need to talk about. There is nothing wrong or shameful about where I am now or how I feel. In fact, it makes perfect sense, and I'm not really sure how I held up as long as I did.

I'm also thinking of my cousin's babies, premie twins, who are having a rough time right now. If you have any spare thoughts, please send them Wyatt and Jack's way.


  1. good thoughts are coming your way. I can relate to this post WAY more than I'm comfortable admitting to most people. I don't know how we do it, how we get by.

    Thinking of you...

  2. Haven't said much in awhile...
    My life just got monumentally crappy and sent me down the slippery slope.
    Knowing that not every other 30ish-old exGrinnellian is awash in babies and houses and happiness really makes me feel a little better. I hope you can find some relief in that too (even if it's tiny).