I haven't posted because I have not been able to frame what I have to say, tuck it up neat.
And I don't remember what my last update was about and don't want to review it.
Here is what I've done with Dr. Abdelmalak. This is all spaced out at intervals I also don't want to review.
- 2 left-side genitofemoral blocks. Result: no immediate relief from lidocaine, lasting pain reduction on left side.
- 2 right-side genitofemoral blocks. Result: immediate relief from lidocaine, no lasting pain reduction.
- 2 bilateral pudendal blocks. Result: no immediate relief from lidocaine, no lasting pain reduction except when he pushes directly on the pudendal nerves during an internal examination and they don't freak out like before. So, no subjective improvement.
- Two days ago, a right-side genitofemoral cryoablation.
#1: GET THE ANESTHESIA FOR CRYO! I have done all of these without anesthesia because they never offered me anesthesia at Rochester so I was used to dealing with the pain of the injection. But HOLY CRAP CRYOABLATION IS PAINFUL. It's the worst procedure I've had since my stupid lidocaine-only cystoscopy which later doctors have suggested was totally idiotic and absolutely not procedure and so I want to write a letter but I don't remember the guy's name and anyway I will just hurl stones at him psychically because I'm too depressed to look up the Urology Department's address.
They stick this giant needle in for cryo, and you can't see it because you're lying down but whatever he shows you the giant needle, it's like 10 times wider than a normal needle, and he gives you a little ice cube to make friends with, and you lie back, and they "bee stings" numb the site, and then they SHOVE SHOVE SHOVE the needle around until IT HURTS SO BAD YOU CRY and they hold it there for five minutes.
Funny part is, the pain didn't radiate to my vulva like it usually does when he pokes at my genfem nerves, so I'm not even convinced he found the right spot. But he said it wasn't supposed to radiate. But I'm still pretty sure it's not going to work. Because why should the right spot not radiate?
And yeah, next time, because there will be a next time, I will get the anesthesia. It doesn't put you under entirely, and you HAVE to feel the pain for this one because they can't find the right spot by looking for it with any device outside of your brain, but maybe with the anesthesia I won't cry and tell them how much I hate my life and they won't ask me if I still hate them when we're done.
#2: I am more depressed than I've been in a long time. I had a brilliant respite from depression and most of my anxiety for months, and it was beautiful, but sometime in early November -- actually, immediately after the time change -- I felt shitty, and the past two weeks I've missed 3.5 days of work due to depression's trying to drown me upon waking, and I have no words on this point beyond these because if I tell you more I will feel like sleeping and it's still lunchtime.
#3: I really thought the depression would lift after my appointment because my appointments seem always to cause my mood to ripple, but I feel like I'm still in a jacket of stones. So I guess I can't blame this one on procedure worries.
My doctor stressed to me that I am "normal," that I will be "fine," and I wanted to say, you know what, fuck you, you are not living this life of unknowns and constant pain and loneliness. And I like him a lot. And I think he was just trying to say that there is nothing "wrong" with me. Yes -- after the procedure, after the crying and frustration, he went so far as to say I am "perfect," and I almost cried again because that's what my grandma always tells me. If I could run away, maybe I would feel perfect. If I could remember what it is to be in this world, and all the color that is still available. But I am stuck under days of typing and waiting for skies to come and go, and there is no memory here.