Thursday, April 10, 2014

Official genitofemoral block

Yesterday I had another appointment with Dr. Westesson at Strong Memorial in Rochester, NY.  He went back to the spot he tried in February along the genitofemoral nerve, along the panty line, as he thought that was the nerve block that helped in February.  The anesthetic took away a lot of the pain in the same way it did in February, though not to the same degree.  I peed, though, and felt no pain in my urethra even though my urethra wasn't numb.  If my pain were to improve only that far, only to the point of taking away my urethral pain, my quality of life would improve drastically.

Dr. Westesson said if I see improvement from these nerve blocks -- because he used a steroid as well, which is what would provide long-term improvement -- though that improvement will begin to show around two weeks from now -- I can go back to see him and we'll do a series of blocks.  If I don't see improvement, he suggested I find someone at the Cleveland Clinic who specializes in peripheral neurology.

His theory is that I might have overactive nerves all throughout my abdomen and no specific nerve entrapment.  That makes sense to me.  I wish it were true that a simple nerve block could treat my pain, but I don't recall an injury to my abdomen that would've caused, for example, a build-up of scar tissue that would've put pressure on a nerve.  I do have specific hip pain on the right side on the panty line, and the doc said that could be related.  The genitofemoral nerve runs right along there.  He described how the pain can kind of slide back and forth along a nerve...

But I had years of severe IBS leading up to the start of my vulvodynia... and though the IBS actually let up a few years before my vulvodynia started, I continue to have a sensitive stomach, and the best I ever, ever, ever did in ameliorating my pain was eating simply.  Bananas, potatoes, eggs, fish, rice, green vegetables...  I've always had this feeling that if I could sustain that diet for a long time, like a year or more, my pain would go away.  But dear lord, you have to BELIEVE that to be able to stick to a diet like that.  While I believed it, I did it.  When I stopped believing, I couldn't do it anymore.

Well, I'm going to do it again either way...  One thing that helped was that at that time, I was reading a ton about self-discipline and personal development.  And I was in grad school, so my schedule was more open for me to cook and focus on my health.  I feel like a lifestyle change might be in order to provide a framework for me to focus on recovery...  I work in an office, which feels physically unhealthy -- stationary all day -- and I stare at a computer all day, so all my energy and enthusiasm are gone by the time I get home.

I think today I am really angry.  I'm angry at all the doctors who sent me away without trying to help me.  I'm angry at the people who dismissed my condition as... whatever.  I'm angry that this has fucked up my life so hard.  I'm angry that I have had no romantic life to speak of for the majority of this time, that sex was excruciating no matter how I tried while I was in a relationship, that I may not ever be a mother, that I may not ever be a mother because I can't risk a pregnancy with this pain.  I'm angry that I've switched jobs a million times trying to figure out a good place to be.  I'm angry that I left my favorite job because of a bully and a couple of gossips.  I'm angry at them, I'm angry at myself, and I'm angry at my former bosses for letting it go on.  All I want to do is run away, but there is nowhere to go.  I have no money.  If I did have money, I would drive around the country and camp and visit people.  I would put all the drama in my life outside of me.  I would put big things in front of me, single things, one at a time, and task myself with conquering them.  Because I am stuck, and the best I can think to do is to face down the abominable snowmen of the world in order to distract myself from what's going on inside.