Down to the Root

Late last night, trying to get myself to just SIT ON THE GODDAMN COUCH AND DO NOTHING, I thought back to how my "vulvodynia" started.

It started with urinary pain -- bad pain with peeing and a glowing red orb (in my mixed-senses mind) right over my urethra and clit. I remember having sex with that pain, even. It hurt, but it hurt up north, by my bladder. My vulva wasn't freaking out yet. The thing could actually get in there without knocking all the air out of me.

And the pain started within a day of having sex. Just like that -- like a UTI, but a different kind of pain.

So I say I have vulvodynia -- and I do. But I think the pain originated in the area of my urethra and/or bladder and then spread to my vulva as it got worse and no one could get rid of it.

This one thought is really helping me along today. Well, I've been up for 20 minutes. But it makes me feel like if we just figure out what is wrong with my urethra...

The urologist basically released me from his care, implying there was nothing more he could do because hey, he tried antibiotics (for a skin-based infection) and then he did the (torturous) cystoscopy. But I still haven't done that MRI, the one that can see tiny, barely internal infection that he might've missed (that he thinks isn't there), so that's one door left open.

And there are other urologists, too. Ones who might keep going.

I focus on the vulvodynia because that's what someone finally diagnosed me with. And I do have it. But when I eat really well, the *vulvodynia* is the thing that starts to go away. My urethra is still a bastard.

And p.s., Dr. Urine, you told me I don't have interstitial cystitis but I don't know why. I mean, it would be great not to, but if I eat the wrong things the front of my bladder hurts, or my urethra and clit hurt so bad I have to pee and then I pee out a teaspoon. I may not have interstitial cystitis -- you're right -- but the diet does help, so for now I'm going to pretend you told me I do so I start eating a little better again.

(Turns out some wrong things are things I thought were okay, and going back to them in an effort to try to eat better showed me they're wrong. Like my beloved kombucha tea. OW.)

As far as my mental state, I've made a pact with myself to stay on the surface, in the moment. The future doesn't exist yet.

Oh my god, my neighbor's kid is playing Guns N' Roses on his guitar.