Throwing out condoms

I had a box of condoms expiring in December 2010.  I'd bought them in October 2006, the same month my vulvodynia had started.  I'd bought them to have sex with the guy who -- I could say -- caused my vulvodynia.

But I won't say that.  My vulvodynia is probably actually pudendal neuralgia, or entrapment of a nerve that is supposed to be fun.  It could be an injury.  I fell on my butt a ton as a middle-school ice skater.  Maybe it was that and not the guy.

It was now October 2010, four years after my vulvodynia had started.  For eight months, I had managed to have a regular sex life with the first guy I had dated seriously since October 2006.  He had been living at my place.  Now I had pulled these condoms out of a tumble of clothes in my dresser because I was packing up to move into our new place.  And I was going to throw the condoms away.

But first I had to see if they were expired.  December 2010 -- I had succeeded.  I had had sex before then.  After the October 2006 guy dumped me with a "maybe later," I thought I would never use a condom again.

So I tossed the condoms.  I tossed some other things too.  Thong things.  The British one, the angel one, the one that was clearly made to stick out of the wearer's pants.  Those were other things I was sure I was never going to use again.

Two months after I tossed out the condoms, my boyfriend tossed me out of our new place.  Or I tossed myself out.  I had been sitting on the toilet in pain.  He was in bed.  I came to bed crying.  He asked, "What do you want me to do?"

"I just need a hug," I said.

"I can't deal with you being sick like this."

"Well, maybe you should find a girlfriend who isn't sick."

BANG, his fist on the headboard.  He jumped out of bed, went into the bathroom, threw shut the door, threw it open.  I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs.  I wanted to drive away but I didn't have any clothes on.

He screamed down the stairs at me and got back into bed.  I went back upstairs and screamed at him.

"You just broke us up!" I said.

He said nothing.

I almost packed up the cat and left.  Then I did.  Then I unpacked her and lay on the edge of the bed touching my boyfriend's back.  I think I fell asleep.

The next day, December 14, 2010 -- had the condoms expired? -- I moved out.


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