Thursday, February 21, 2013

Appointment time

Tomorrow is my appointment.  Friday.  Maybe you are reading this on Friday.

I am so nervous you'd think I've been standing on a tightrope.  It is not pretty.

I've leaped from explanation to explanation about why I am so nervous before landing just now on what it might be that I'm upset about---

I am just so embarrassed.

I am so embarrassed that my crotch hurts.  I am embarrassed to talk about it so much.  I am embarrassed to be depressed and anxious over it.  I am embarrassed that I've made life choices because of it.  I'm embarrassed most of all that I am such a sorry character in my friends' and family's lives.

This is a NO PITY post.  I'm already embarrassed that I'm pitiable.  Please don't pity me some more.

I've probably been embarrassed all along.  I don't know if blogging about it has helped me own my pain or if it's given me more reason to feel embarrassed about it.  Maybe both.

I might take a blogging break for a while after this appointment.  I need to remember that I am more than the things I report here.  I've been thinking maybe I will take dance or ice-skating lessons to reconnect with my body.  The few times in recent years I've gone ice skating and rekindled my old skill, I've felt like a superhero.

Thanks to everyone for your support and guidance.  I will post about my appointment this weekend.  I will probably be relieved afterwards and full of things to say.  But then maybe I will dial it down.


  1. I totally understand. I have IBS, which can be incredibly embarrassing, and I don't even discuss it on my blog.

    I hope your appointment goes well -- and go ice skating! I haven't been since in a few years. I'd like to go, too. :-)

    1. A belated thanks, Bee! It's good to hear that you understand. I will put my skates in my car so I can go spontaneously. They are essentially too small from me -- from 7th grade or so!! -- but they are still better than rentals, even if they make my calves bleed. ! Ha ha:)

  2. Good luck! Hope the docs know what to do next!

  3. thinking about you and hoping that your apointment will bring answers and relief.