I am so nervous you'd think I've been standing on a tightrope. It is not pretty.
I've leaped from explanation to explanation about why I am so nervous before landing just now on what it might be that I'm upset about---
I am just so embarrassed.
I am so embarrassed that my crotch hurts. I am embarrassed to talk about it so much. I am embarrassed to be depressed and anxious over it. I am embarrassed that I've made life choices because of it. I'm embarrassed most of all that I am such a sorry character in my friends' and family's lives.
This is a NO PITY post. I'm already embarrassed that I'm pitiable. Please don't pity me some more.
I've probably been embarrassed all along. I don't know if blogging about it has helped me own my pain or if it's given me more reason to feel embarrassed about it. Maybe both.
I might take a blogging break for a while after this appointment. I need to remember that I am more than the things I report here. I've been thinking maybe I will take dance or ice-skating lessons to reconnect with my body. The few times in recent years I've gone ice skating and rekindled my old skill, I've felt like a superhero.
Thanks to everyone for your support and guidance. I will post about my appointment this weekend. I will probably be relieved afterwards and full of things to say. But then maybe I will dial it down.