Monday, June 22, 2009

We're All in the Vestibule

So it's only been 5 days on the antibiotics but it's not getting better, and I shouldn't despair yet but I am anyway. It's my coochie and I'll cry if I want to.

So I scheduled myself for a cystoscopy on July 13 at 10am. I can always cancel. The doctor himself performs it, which makes me feel good. It'll be like a followup plus AHHHHHHHHH. I know people have reassured me that cystoscopies are not so awful, but when your urethra is a house of demons, you don't have such confidence. I'm sure they'll numb me, but I'm just as sure that the following day or two will be the same as (my two-with-vvd-total) post-sex days.

And I asked the nurse for some Diflucan because I'm pretty sure that's happening too. It's not really bad, but any yeastie activity is going to make me feel worse and topical stuff is not happening right now.

So (I begin again) I'm reading The Fall by Albert Camus because I've become wholly existential. Not that I wasn't already, but with existentialism, the curtains come in after a while and blind you to life's pointlessness and you live fine for a while. (I don't think it's possible to be really depressed over and over without becoming an existentialist. I now look at depression as the point of greatest honesty. Yeah, maybe because I'm depressed. So what. Don't you see that nothing, nothing matters, and we all know why...yes, I reread The Stranger too, as my existentialism kickoff.)

So so so, in The Fall Camus at one point writes
Do you know Dante? Really? The devil you say! Then you know that Dante accepts the idea of neutral angels in the quarrel between God and Satan. And he puts them in Limbo, a sort of vestibule of his Hell. We are in the vestibule, mon cher.
HAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm certain Camus wasn't thinking double entendre there, but what brilliance. We are in the vestibule, mes chéries.


  1. Aww, I'm sorry that the antibiotics aren't working. I hate it when things the doctors give you don't work. Makes you wonder why you go through all their crap. My uncle had to have a cystoscopy today and (it's supposed to be worse for a man) he said that it didn't hurt so much as it was uncomfortable. That gives me a little hope. I think I can deal with uncomfortable better than owee! I seem to be counting down the days at the moment. In a way I want it not to be now but I'd also kind of just like it out of the way so I stop stressing about it.

  2. Sorry the antibiotics aren't working too, but sometimes it does take time for those things to kick in. I love Camus and "The Fall"! I haven't read it since high school, but it is funny that he wrote about being in the "vestibule", maybe he was on to something.

  3. came across your blog and digested as much as I could. probably still missed some stuff, but wondering:

    1) acupuncture. have you tried it? don't wait until it's a last resort. 2000+ years behind it, and you seem a good candidate for it.

    2) psychological counseling. another excellent resource, helpful in MANY ways, as our minds be not separate from our bodies, right? true dat.

    3)soy allergy. it seems to be in everything and DEFINITELY affects the sexual organs. have read recently of some MAJOR turnarounds of health probs once folks were off the soy.

    just some food for thought (pun intended).


  4. Thanks guys! Eh whatever. I'm so deep into the practice of despair that it's all good :)

    J, thanks for the suggestions! I've thought of acupuncture but it has a neutral rating for vulvodynia on, so it's not high on my list (especially since I have no money). I've done counseling but again ran out of money. AND I've gone off soy but the pain remained -- though soy definitely makes it *worse*, but so do other foods. So I avoid soy in general except during periods of despair and then I allow a small amount (like in a Hershey bar). Sorry to shoot everything down...not trying to be negative because those are all good suggestions!

  5. self-diagnosis via the internet is probably not your best bet.
    acupuncture treats the underlying conditions (there may be many), not the symptoms; it's NOT as expensive as you think, and far less expensive than the medical options you've been pursuing with little change. it's also not a last resort or a magical cure-all. if you want to help your body heal itself, get it the help it requires- find a good acupuncturist in your area and see if s/he is willing to work out a payment plan. good luck!