Monday, June 8, 2009

Judgment Day...

IS NOT HERE YET.

The culture takes a week to 10 days, which means tomorrow at the earliest, and probably more like early next week.

You will be the first to know.  I'm set up to blog from my phone.

In the meantime I'm hoping that I won't have to tell 100 different people I have syphilis.

And more seriously, I am sicked out by the possibility of having an infection down there for so long.  I got screened for all STDs right when this thing started (except syphilis?  See what I mean?), so I feel fairly comfortable with the idea that they got that right...I guess...but still, having an infection in your crotch for this long CANNOT be a good thing.  I'm worried about the babies I haven't had yet that I really want to have someday.  What if all this negligence has totally fucked me over?

Ugh, I have to put it out of my mind because of all thoughts, that is the one that REALLY, REALLY gets me.  MAD.  PEACH.

I'm sequestering myself in various ways to keep my mind from it -- library, hugely long hemorrhoids-be-damned walks around the city, trying to do as many pullups as Linda Hamilton does in Terminator 2, etc.  My instinct when I'm waiting for tests (I feel practiced at it by now) is to go into hiding until the results come back.  As far as I'm concerned, I don't exist until the doctor calls.  I'm only writing this because I'm so freaked out for my proto-babies.

Yes, I still get my period.  But it's not as regular as it used to be.  Which, yes, IS PROBABLY FROM THE STRESS AND THE PAIN.  It used to be regular nearly to the hour; now it's usually a few days late if not more (especially when my friend Julia visited me with HER period -- 3 weeks late.  I'm very sorry your name doesn't start with an M...Menstrual Mulia.  And I knew the second you told me you had your period that I was on a new schedule).  Point: rational thought does not win right now BECAUSE I SAID SO.

I can't believe how impatient I feel for the results after so long living with the pain.  I'm freaked out in multiple ways, either outcome.  I mean, no bacteria, okay, keep going.  I know I can do that (I can), tons of practice.  Bacteria, all the thoughts above, but hey, YAY!, maybe antibiotics will get rid of the pain, and any lingering pain (or baby destruction) I handle as it comes.

But, for instance, for perspective, so you see my point, say it's a treatable infection: there was a crazy hanging out beneath my balcony last night, like so much Romeo, trying to woo me with tales of how pathetic and insecure he is.  In the olden days, I would've been like, crazy, you are crazy.  I'm going to toy with you until you explode.  Last night, uhm, I toyed with him almost until explosion (where is this mercy coming from?), but I was terrified of anything physical happening between us, ever.  Not because he's scary (no, just crazy) or repellent (no, just crazy), but because I kept thinking of how awful it would feel to have sex with him.  I don't don't don't want to hang onto the pain, but realistically, even if it goes away ever, it's going to take some time to adjust to non-pain.

Fearing its return, relearning how to enjoy my body, unsure of how it happened in the first place...etc.

Okay, I feel better now.  Just a little tense.  Back to things that aren't this because this doesn't exist right now and neither do I.

Edit: And now I'm thinking (why am I still thinking?) that my gynie, trusty as she is, might've actually tested for the bacteria on this test already...I'm sitting here cursing all past doctors but really, she did a thorough job.  So I dug up the scribbles I took down when they called me with those results and there is a test on there ("other (microplasma)" (which I think might actually have been "mycoplasma"...yes, googling)) that could've covered this stuff.  (No "syphilis," though.  See???)  So...okay, now I am disheartened even before hearing back.  Yay.  Am I happy now?

13 comments:

  1. I know this wait, I know that fear, and I know the frustration.

    I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, especially you.

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  2. Thanks girl. I hope you've been feeling good.

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  3. My period has been really effed up lately too... and it used to be regular down to the hour (on the pill and off). I'm not sure what's going on with my vagina, but it's very uncool. Good luck with all yer stuff; I know it sucks to sit around and wait for news.

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  4. If my parents have their way, I'll be moving back to Ohio and then you can give me a hug for real! ;)

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  5. WOOWOO! Let me know if you come back -- we should meet up!!!

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  6. Having just passed the Washington bar exam, I don't see myself realistically leaving Seattle any time soon, but you never know! It would be nice to have a real-life sad vagina friend. I've never had one before!

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  7. Me either! Congrats on passing the bar!!

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  8. Hmm... that wasn't a very good prediction. My boyfriend and I broke up, and now I'm headed back to Ohio on Monday -- ha. I do have an interview this weekend though, so I might be back to Seattle. Who the hell knows!

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  9. Oh yeah, and I invited you to read my blog. It's not particularly coochie-related, but it has its moments.

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  10. LOL! Do your parents live anywhere near Cleveland? Maybe someday we could arrange a meetup.

    Sorry about your breakup, but good luck with your interview. And thanks for the invite! I'm headed over...

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  11. The parents live about an hour away from Cleveland -- in the boondocks surrounding Youngstown/on the PA line. Who knows what will happen, but if I do end up stuck there for awhile, I will likely be needing something to do!

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  12. Woohoo! Just let me know...I am a party, I promise you....okay wait, maybe I don't promise that...but I can try!!

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