Monday, May 4, 2009

How My Crotch Feels

I've been laughing about my "It feels like someone lacerated my skin with papercuts and then squeezed a lemon over it" description from my last blog post since shortly after I wrote it. So here are some more "how my crotch feels" reflecting various forms my pain has taken. Please chime in if you have more.

My crotch feels like...
  • Someone attached a brilo pad to the end of a drill and started scrubbing my vulva
  • Someone is trying to saw me in half with a hand saw
  • Someone replaced my dildo with a cactus
  • I'm peeing a pipe cleaner
  • I rug-burned my rug
  • I salted my vajayjay and then took it suntanning
  • I mistook my coochie for an oven mitt
  • I took a sitz bath in salsa


  1. The last one is my favorite! I'll try to come up with something of that caliber.

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm sending soothing vibes. I hope you can find some relief.

  2. Do you ever go to physical therapy? I feel like I asked you this once before, but I can't remember.

    This made me laugh, in a sad, stupid vagina, sort of way.

    If I did this, it would be really wrong stuff like "I feel like I just got fucked with a razor blade cock." ;)

    Also..."Razor Blade Cock" would be a really cool metal band name.

  3. So when I was reading your list of how your vagina feels, my first thought for me was:
    "Someone replaced my dildo with a cactus," and then I saw you wrote it. I'll try to think of others.

    I'm sorry your pain is so bad right now. I hope something will take the pain away for you, at least for a little while. I'm sending good feelings to you!

  4. Hey, so I was going to google something and I thought I had copied the phrase, so I just pasted and thought, now THAT doesn't look right...

    I nearly searched: "Someone replaced my dildo with a cactus".

    That would have been interesting.

  5. OMG, if I were still dating someone that liked to start metal bands for fun, Razor Blade Cock would absolutely be in the queue for the next great band name!

  6. I've been using the papercut analogy all weekend! These other ones are classic!

    My standby is that "someone has my left lip in one of those bitey staple removers"

  7. Hahahaa, you guys crack me up!!! So glad you liked them! Thanks for all the soothing vibes. I'm sending them back!

  8. Oh, AK, no, I don't do physical therapy. I haven't even researched it in my town. Mostly because it's not one of those standard things and my insurance company sucks and I need referrals from the university's health center and etc... Also, the thought of it is horrid and I'm a scaredy cat.

  9. Today it feels...

    Well my vulva feels okay but those pelvic muscles nearby the sitz bone are acting up. I think they're acting up because I'm having my period... my uterus is contracting & it's bothering the rest of the muscles, I think...

    So today it feels like I am Sitting On A Rock.
    When it was worse I said to my chiropractor, "It feels like I'm sitting on two eggs under my pelvis."