Monday, May 4, 2009

How My Crotch Feels

I've been laughing about my "It feels like someone lacerated my skin with papercuts and then squeezed a lemon over it" description from my last blog post since shortly after I wrote it. So here are some more "how my crotch feels" reflecting various forms my pain has taken. Please chime in if you have more.

My crotch feels like...
  • Someone attached a brilo pad to the end of a drill and started scrubbing my vulva
  • Someone is trying to saw me in half with a hand saw
  • Someone replaced my dildo with a cactus
  • I'm peeing a pipe cleaner
  • I rug-burned my rug
  • I salted my vajayjay and then took it suntanning
  • I mistook my coochie for an oven mitt
  • I took a sitz bath in salsa

9 comments:

  1. The last one is my favorite! I'll try to come up with something of that caliber.

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm sending soothing vibes. I hope you can find some relief.

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  2. Do you ever go to physical therapy? I feel like I asked you this once before, but I can't remember.

    This made me laugh, in a sad, stupid vagina, sort of way.

    If I did this, it would be really wrong stuff like "I feel like I just got fucked with a razor blade cock." ;)

    Also..."Razor Blade Cock" would be a really cool metal band name.

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  3. So when I was reading your list of how your vagina feels, my first thought for me was:
    "Someone replaced my dildo with a cactus," and then I saw you wrote it. I'll try to think of others.

    I'm sorry your pain is so bad right now. I hope something will take the pain away for you, at least for a little while. I'm sending good feelings to you!

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  4. Hey, so I was going to google something and I thought I had copied the phrase, so I just pasted and thought, now THAT doesn't look right...

    I nearly searched: "Someone replaced my dildo with a cactus".

    That would have been interesting.

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  5. OMG, if I were still dating someone that liked to start metal bands for fun, Razor Blade Cock would absolutely be in the queue for the next great band name!

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  6. I've been using the papercut analogy all weekend! These other ones are classic!

    My standby is that "someone has my left lip in one of those bitey staple removers"

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  7. Hahahaa, you guys crack me up!!! So glad you liked them! Thanks for all the soothing vibes. I'm sending them back!

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  8. Oh, AK, no, I don't do physical therapy. I haven't even researched it in my town. Mostly because it's not one of those standard things and my insurance company sucks and I need referrals from the university's health center and etc... Also, the thought of it is horrid and I'm a scaredy cat.

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  9. Today it feels...

    Well my vulva feels okay but those pelvic muscles nearby the sitz bone are acting up. I think they're acting up because I'm having my period... my uterus is contracting & it's bothering the rest of the muscles, I think...

    So today it feels like I am Sitting On A Rock.
    When it was worse I said to my chiropractor, "It feels like I'm sitting on two eggs under my pelvis."

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