I told all my professors that I have a "chronic condition that flared up recently." It seemed like the best thing to say. It implies "I won't be coughing for three weeks after I come back because this isn't the flu so don't think I'm playing hooky." (I always worry about people thinking I'm playing hooky.) It also implies "don't ask."
My advisor, I told him I have a "chronic pain condition that flared up recently." That additional word might've been a mistake, but, come to think of it, it probably would've played out the same way with or without it.
Him: So you have a pain problem?
Him: Can I ask where?
Here is the point where you say, as I read somewhere recently, "why do you want to know?" But I'm not that sharp.
Me: My whole body.
It's not actually a complete lie. I have full-body pain when I eat gluten, and that's why it's such a handy thing to say.
But it's still a lie.
And I shouldn't have to lie.
I swore, I swore in those split seconds leading up to that question that I was gonna say "in my vulva." Four syllables, not even a complete sentence, all words I've said before. But my advisor was born before there were vulvas, and anyway he's not a native English speaker, and I never have a Japanese-English dictionary handy, and without one I'd be forced to demonstrate.
And I was never going to say it anyway.
I think lying bothers me most because I feel like there's never been a time in my adult life when I didn't have something to lie about. Before I was lying to avoid saying "depression" and "anxiety." Now I'm lying to avoid saying "vulva."
I don't want to lie anymore.
But I don't want to invite people into my internal affairs either, brain or panties.
So I guess the answer is not to say anything. If someone asks why or where or what and I don't want to tell the truth, I'll tell a different truth, like "I'd rather not say."
I tried going low-fiber/low-residue as recommended for Crohn's and similar digestive problems, just to test the theory that if you have IBS, you can't recover while eating lots of fiber.
I had to make some exchanges to cut back on fiber. For instance, I tried adding jelly and fruit juice back to my diet, and I paid for it immediately. Both gave me acute bladder and urethra pain not long after I ate them. I haven't eaten any whole fruit besides bananas in a long time, and I think I'll hold off on the others for a while.
I also tried milk, and that was an owie. I don't know that it did anything to my cooch, but I get really sharp pains in my gut several hours after drinking milk, when it gets down to my large intestine.
However, switching away from a high-vegetable diet made my bowel movements much better. (Why do I find poop more TMI than vulvas? I always get weirded out when I start writing about it.) When I was eating a ton of veggies (plus a lot of raw nuts), I'd wake up every morning to a crampy stomach and have weird things flying out my butt as soon as I got to the toilet. That's how it was when I was vegan too, except it happened multiple times a day. I expected it to settle down over time, but it never did.
Now that I've laid off the veggies and cut out the nuts, I don't have any crazy-uncomfortable bowel movements anymore, and no messy ones either. (Sometimes I felt like a baby. You know those adult baby wipes they sell? Well, I never deigned to buy them, but yeah.)
So I'm a little confused as to what's really best for me to eat, but I've decided not to worry about it right now. I need a vacation from the food sifting for a while. Tonight I made a gluten-free, dairy-free pizza using Bob's Red Mill's pizza crust mix and Lisanatti's "mozzarella" "cheese" made from almonds (which really melts!). It was so niiiiiice to eat like that. I even put pepperoni on it, and then I died.