Saturday, March 14, 2009

Coming Out

I told a boy about my vulvodynia.

He received it in an amazing way.

It used to be that bipolar disorder was my big coming-out.  These days, my symptoms are so much better than they used to be that it's become a side note.

That's what I'm aiming for with vulvodynia.

I was at the gym with a friend the other day carefully stepping around the reason why I don't want to ride the stationary bikes and I'd rather not join her for a swim.  Ahead of that conversation, I thought I'd be fine telling her, but in the moment I just couldn't say it.

Bipolar's only a side note now because I've got it under what to me is miraculous control (especially without meds).  If it were still as bad as it was in the past, it'd still be a guarded fact.

Vulvodynia's been the center of my life for a while, and it won't move to the side until I can reduce my symptoms significantly.  Chronic pain is constant trauma.  Every moment, something is harming you.  Time erodes your resilience.  You succumb.  You just do.

But I've seen my symptoms get better, and I know if I can spend my days averaging a pain level of 2 or 3 instead of 5 or 6, that alone would destabilize my orbit and recenter my life on something else (me?).  Even if I can't get rid of my pain, reducing it will still be meaningful.


  1. I spent yesterday dealing with a 7-8 flare and it was terrible. I wanted to scream to everyone I saw what I was going through. I couldn't function.

    Now I'm having a 2 day and I don't feel that need but I wish I had the courage to come out about this. Good for you! I'm continually proud of your bravery.

  2. Awwww, thanks! That is so sweet. I think I usually just shut down thoughts about others' opinions before they start; I don't really know for sure how/why I can speak up about it. But I don't think you should feel bad that you don't feel comfortable with it. You DO blog about it and discuss it with us, and that's huge for everyone it touches.

    I'm sorry about your flare. 7 is the number I use for when the pain starts to distract me a whole lot...I hate those days.

  3. The boys I've dated over the past few years have been surprisingly cool about the whole thing. The current bf came to physical therapy with me a few times to learn how to do some of the stuff, and he helps me out when I feel like shit.

  4. AK, that is awesome. It makes me hate men a little less :)

  5. It also helps to find a boy with a physical problem. You have a torn labrum in your shoulder? Now imagine it in your dick. Permanently. I'm always looking for an empathy angle. ;)