My pain was better for a bit and now it's back to bad, and it's clear that food is the worst thing ever invented by man. Eating makes everything worse. I'm so exhausted by all this. Hope is the most exhausting thing ever invented. I am so tired of it.
I can't believe I have this pain. It doesn't seem real. It seems like I should be able to think myself out of it. Like when you're in a dream and you die and you're like "Okay, let's say I didn't die" and you're not dead anymore.
I am running through Duolingo.com brushing up all my French categories and today I had to translate "La tortue est verte" -- the turtle is green -- and I realized it's been a long time since I thought about how turtles are green. I know it's a grownup thing, that more items populate the mind and we don't care what color turtles are anymore because we know they're green, it's a fact, we're done processing it. But I don't want to stop thinking about how turtles are green. That seems like the most important thing in the world.
It's sensory. "The turtle is green" is a way of saying there are a billion things to sense besides pain. It's just hard to sense any of them when you're in pain. And after a nerve block, all I do is monitor my pain. There's no other sensation that matters.
I don't want to keep doing the nerve blocks. It's much easier to be in pain than to keep hoping for the pain to stop.