I have written a lot about my weight lately. And then I took down the two most recent posts about my weight because they seemed too negative.
But after everyone and my psychiatrist telling me I am sooo skinny, I have become obsessed with whether I'm too thin.
My friends posted a few group photos on Facebook recently, and I look at them and think, yeah, that's a twig. Of course, it doesn't help that you're standing next to the pregnant girl, but look: there's no evidence of boobs. Your arms are freakish. You look sickly. Do you have any shape at all? And you're so pale. Look at your calves! And then I start measuring everyone else's calves against mine...
THIS IS WHY IT'S NOT OKAY TO REMARK ON SOMEONE'S WEIGHT even if you're telling her she's skinny and you think it's okay to say so because society prizes skinny even though you don't want to admit it.
Because I NEVER had body-image problems before the barrage of skinny comments I got over the past year and a half. I lost weight due to stress and heard about it left and right -- and then I regained it, but ever since then I've been worrying -- did I gain enough back? People are still saying I'm skinny -- do I look gross? Am I unattractive?
I've been skinny all my life but I always loved what I had. Small boobs were "portable," and I loved my butt. I still love looking at my hourglass shadow. So I think I still love my body in that way, but now I'm overly aware of what it might look like from the outside.
And I worry about eating enough. Horrible problem! people say, not being able to eat enough. Another double-standard comment -- if I were an overeater, you wouldn't taunt me about it to my face.
I feel obligated to cram crap in. One of the posts I took down was about how I downloaded a calorie-counting app and set a goal to gain, I don't know, 10 pounds, but I ended up deleting the app because my body simply doesn't want to eat that volume of food every day. It was a chore.
If I could cram in milkshakes and still feel good, I would do it, but sugar is one of my main pain triggers. Of all the things in my life that revolve around my vag, food is probably #1.
I'm not concerned about my health. Esther strong. But those pictures will follow me around for a while. And I'll probably start designing ways to shovel it in again. I need some Weight Gain 4000. (South Park reference. I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff.)