I appreciate receiving emails and blog comments and reading other blogs and the posts in the vulvodynia groups on Facebook. But really, every time someone figures out what caused their vulvodynia, it's always something different. Every time someone says a treatment is helping them, it's always something I've never heard about before.
The more I read, the less helpful it all is. I have no idea where to start. Is there any doctor who would consider all these causes and all these treatments in assessing my pain? The doctors I've visited have been extremely specialized and unwilling to consider diagnoses and treatments outside of their specialty. I think that is universal.
I don't want to doctor hop again. Where do I start when there are thirty treatments that MIGHT help and no doctor willing to try them all? When there are hundreds of possible causes and no doctor who is unspecialized enough to consider them all?
It's a crapshoot, and so I gave up. But all that frustration is still there. I reorganized my apartment so I don't have to sit at my desk. Just the thought of getting a desk job lights my feet on fire. Waitressing keeps my pain pretty low. I am broke but at least not on fire.
But I feel like an asshole loser for being a waitress after all the education and work experience I have. It's not only because of vulvodynia -- I like waitressing and I hate being at a desk. But I have never felt so trapped in my life. I feel like I've tried everything and nothing works for me mentally or physically except waitressing. I feel like I'll be stuck here forever, broke and lame and unaccomplished.
Then there's the sex. I dream, dream, dream of the day that I'll have pain-free sex again. It's going to happen. I just need to figure out where to start. How.
When I am less frustrated, maybe I will make a list of all the treatments I've read about. I'm sure this blog is that list, more or less, but I'm going to put them all together in one place just so I can get more frustrated.