Waiting

I told my psychiatrist about how my main roadblock right now is that I don't see a philosophical reason for living. He replied, "There probably isn't a philosophical reason for living. It has to be based on something else."

So the problem is actually that I don't have anything to base living on right now. I can't defend it philosophically and that was my last resort after health, social life, aspirations, spirit, etc., etc. fell away.

And after hope went ptttthbt, finally and disastrously.

What do you base life on after everything is depleted? I want to die so why don't I? When it's easier, I have an executive decision against it. When it's not so easy, inertia is my savior.

I have to be frank. These diseases make a lot of people want to die. They can and probably have been terminal. That is not okay and we need to be paying attention.

I wish I had advice on how to get through this but seconds are grating and I'm having a really hard time calming down. So I'm just trying to remind myself that even if each second hurts -- mentally, physically, or both -- it is still another second passed towards a time when I might feel better at least mentally, or towards a time when I can base my life on something again. In other words, I'm waiting.