Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Feeling Better

I'm feeling better! Mentally! I'm up to the full dose of my brain meds and I DID LAUNDRY last Friday and still feel good, so that means this is a definite change. Sigh. I think I have a crush on Trileptal. ♥blush♥

My psychiatrist told me Trileptal didn't get FDA approval for treatment of bipolar disorder but that there's a subgroup of us who respond to it. I seem to be one of those people. It makes me feel so lucid! It took a little while, but it kicked that mood out of my brain entirely. I'll probably still cycle up and down while on it, but I won't get nearly as bad as I was without it.

Going back on meds proves to me (yet again -- but yes, I still need the proof) that having bipolar disorder is like having Tourette's or a seizure disorder. It's involuntary. I can't control it -- or can't any more than someone with Tourette's, which isn't very much. They can try to suppress their tics for a while, but then they just have an outburst later. I can try to control my mood for a while, but it all builds up and breaks the floodgates eventually.

Why is that so hard to understand? Why do I still think I'm to blame for my disorder? Guilt, guilt, guilt, self-image, blahlbhalbha, etc.

It's surreal, the meds, because now -- all of a sudden, I understand how people can keep living! I understand why we aren't all lined up to take our turn jumping off the bridge! Wow, living is kinda easy when you're not hellishly depressed!

My psychiatrist also mentioned that "Reverse SAD" (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is an actual thing that researchers are starting to write about -- getting depressed in the summer, not the winter, or in my case getting moodier and ending each summer in a mind-melting mixed episode. Affirmation! I hate summer! It sucks! I'm going to winter in Alaska and summer in Chile with the penguins. F♥ck the sun.

My pain is the same. Eh, nothing new to say. I've got an appointment with a different urologist on November 5, a woman who also treats pelvic pain. I'm hoping for a good visit -- a holistic visit, taking into account all the stuff I experience. Someone who will listen and help me. We'll see.

My mom and I were just discussing whether these "hemorrhoids" I have aren't something else. I do have them (tasty conversation here), but they only poke themselves out once in a while and that area down there -- a little below my tailbone -- hurts intermittently whether they're in or out. Ah, the science of hemorrhoids. My mom and I were impersonating them.

So I'm wondering if I have some spinal problems and/or pudendal neuralgia going on. If I do, whatever. Right now, the butt pain is really not that bad. It hurts to sit square on my ass, sometimes, but I'm hardly ever in a situation that requires me to do that because I'm a waitress. And sometimes it really hurts to stand up from sitting. And sometimes it hurts to laugh, etc., but it's nowhere near as bad as the constant, torturous, singeing burning up front.

So I will mention it to the urologist, see a gastro, see if it's identifiable, and if not, see a spine guy. It would suck to have more mystery pain, and it would suck especially if it got worse and started collaborating in a serious way, but right now I'm so much more concerned with my coochie that this additional disturbance is no big deal.

Plus, if it is a nerve problem, it might be the cause of my other pain, which might lead to better treatment for it. I have yet to start the Neurontin as I'm enjoying this lucidity too much and don't want to drown my head in meds...♥blush♥ Trileptal...but I'm looking forward to seeing if it helps my pain at all.

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