On to Year 4! And I know I'm still relatively young in this vulvodynia/pelvic-pain thing. Many e-mailers and other bloggers have been at it three or four times as long, or for more than half their lives. Some "got" it while still in their teens (some *are* still in their teens) -- and one while she was just a kid. That is just baffling. It makes me angry beyond words, and I wish I were convinced that someone is paying attention.
Thanks for your comments and e-mails. Your support over the past few weeks really helped. I haven't felt too communicative and I'm coping by ignoring reality. But I will write back at some point, and I've been thinking of all of you.
Someone else trafficked a couple of Vicodin to me the other day. I took one while my pain was at a pretty normal level, and it seemed like it might've smoothed the edges of it a little. That was an improvement over the last time I tried it, during a moderate flare, when it didn't do anything. A friend said you need to take Vicodin regularly to get ahead of the pain, but my dad says that isn't the case for him. Who knows.
Anyway, I waited about an hour and a half, two hours and then took the second one. That took away a lot of the pain, though the central, most basic part of the pain was still there. But it was so nice to get a glimpse of not being in pain anymore. It was nice to sense that there are other non-vulva parts of my body down there, to remove the starburst of my pain so I could see the rest of me.
Then I conked out.
So many people have offered to bring me drugs, it's hilarious. Apparently I'm the only one who can't get them legally.
I scheduled the pelvic MRI for October 14, a short-tube!!!!!!! MRI my dad located. I follow up with the dermatologist on Tuesday and after my experience with the steroids, I'm going to refuse to do any more topical immunosuppressants without pain meds. Really, the fact that the steroids made my pain worse suggests to me that my immune system is doing something to FIGHT the pain. I THINK MY PAIN IS DUE TO AN INFECTION. It's Occam's Razor and it makes the most sense given how it started. It fits with the food triggers (pH changes down there could promote or suppress creepy crawly stuff, according to non-doctor me).
Maybe it's syphilis. MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M CRAZY. Because, according to some, being in pain isn't a legitimate crazy-trigger.
And fine, if it's not an infection then just figure out what it is. Why doesn't anyone just figure out what it is! You can't tell me it's not figureoutable! Or if it's really not, then give me something to IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE. I DO NOT HAVE A LIFE RIGHT NOW. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE. I'm seeing a psychiatrist on October 13 and I'm going to ask to try Neurontin -- it's a mood stabilizer as well as a common nerve-pain med. Then maybe we can try some tricyclic antidepressants, which can also act on pain. I don't think any of these will work because, one, Trileptal (same kind of med as Neurontin) didn't seem to do anything when I was on it, and two, I THINK MY PAIN IS DUE TO AN INFECTION. But anyway, at least we can try.
P.S. Sorry I keep throwing capitalized tantrums. I just feel so desperate. You know the Fates? They draw out the thread of life, and sometimes they draw it very thin.
P.P.S. Happy Anniversary.