Friday, July 3, 2009

Ace of Base & Having an Awesome Memory

(possible triggers)

FIRST OF ALL I was dancing and I'm all hyper. HI JENNY PORTO! Sorry I keep calling you Jenny!

Secondly, remember how I told you Mariah Carey was my savior when my vulvodynia first started? Ace of Base have taken over. They are saving my life right now, perhaps literally.

I don't want to scare anyone but I've been pretty deep into the depths of deep things lately. I have my Stack of Despair, a bunch of books I'm working my way through in the sun while drinking hard cider and listening (subjecting the neighbors) to Ace of Base. Because I don't want to do anything else and, not now but recently, I didn't see the point in living and wanted to die.

I still don't really get living, but Ace of Base have stuck by me, and finally I get why I can't do myself in: because who am I to say to the universe, hey, universe, you were wrong to create me.

For a loooooong time I sat in my lawn chair thinking, send me any astoundingly insightful philosopher, religious or otherwise, and I will smack him down about why it's okay for me to kill myself. But then one day I decided to change my Facebook religious views to Love Thy Universe because Atheist looked really mean all of a sudden. (I also changed from Libertarian to Non-Despairing. Libertarian looked snide (not that Non-Despairing doesn't...but at least it's also funny).) And then I was walking around talking to myself and I realized, uh, shit. This is the only universe POSSIBLE for me. And so if this universe is IT, then this is it and I need to shut up.

----but really if you think about it, my saying that I want to die to the universe would be the universe saying that to itself...but I'm the kinda gal who defers to external judgment even when external is impossible. And I don't believe in god or fate or that there is reason or intention behind my being here --- no, no, no. All of it is just events that happened, from the Big Bang on up to my conception and through my continued existence, to put me here now. So here I am and the universe is all I have. I have to Love My Universe, because this is what the fuck it is.

Yeah I'm not making any sense but today there is no editing.

There is Ace of Base. ::intermission::

Not one of their more exciting videos -- too much frickin symbolism, not enough greenscreen -- but still the best song possible. WE ARE TRAVELING IN TIME.

And finally, my memory kicks ass. I'm bragging here: I remembered that Helicobacter pylori is the common bacterium associated with ulcers -- upon seeing this article, about how women receiving treatment for H. pylori saw a resolution of their dyspareunia (they say that and vulvar vestibulitis and localized vulvodynia...words words) and digestive problems.

Really the story here is the article, not my memory. I just felt like bragging because I'm hyper. But dudes, I've thought for a while I might have an ulcer because I can no longer drink wine without getting nauseous and I've had pains there (but who cares about random pains anymore, really). So the coincidence is making me laugh. And I wonder if I should ask someone about it -- but really, which specialist do I ask and does anyone care. Ugh.

Anyway, dance and/or grilled cheese with tomatoes time. There's no "Which Ace of Base song are you?" quiz on Facebook. Yes I'm thinking of making one. I'm thinking, actually, that it's imperative that I do. And I actually want to make one too, but really only if I can do it in my lawn chair.


  1. wine kills my crotch, but not if I take a benedryl first. weird but true.

    and now i want a grilled cheese with tomatoes and horseradish

  2. That is weird! And now I want a hot dog.

  3. I'm becoming increasingly concerned about your Ace of Base addiction! I'm going to have to round up all the sad vagina people on the interweb and stage an intervention. ;)