FIRST OF ALL I was dancing and I'm all hyper. HI JENNY PORTO! Sorry I keep calling you Jenny!
Secondly, remember how I told you Mariah Carey was my savior when my vulvodynia first started? Ace of Base have taken over. They are saving my life right now, perhaps literally.
I don't want to scare anyone but I've been pretty deep into the depths of deep things lately. I have my Stack of Despair, a bunch of books I'm working my way through in the sun while drinking hard cider and listening (subjecting the neighbors) to Ace of Base. Because I don't want to do anything else and, not now but recently, I didn't see the point in living and wanted to die.
I still don't really get living, but Ace of Base have stuck by me, and finally I get why I can't do myself in: because who am I to say to the universe, hey, universe, you were wrong to create me.
For a loooooong time I sat in my lawn chair thinking, send me any astoundingly insightful philosopher, religious or otherwise, and I will smack him down about why it's okay for me to kill myself. But then one day I decided to change my Facebook religious views to Love Thy Universe because Atheist looked really mean all of a sudden. (I also changed from Libertarian to Non-Despairing. Libertarian looked snide (not that Non-Despairing doesn't...but at least it's also funny).) And then I was walking around talking to myself and I realized, uh, shit. This is the only universe POSSIBLE for me. And so if this universe is IT, then this is it and I need to shut up.
----but really if you think about it, my saying that I want to die to the universe would be the universe saying that to itself...but I'm the kinda gal who defers to external judgment even when external is impossible. And I don't believe in god or fate or that there is reason or intention behind my being here --- no, no, no. All of it is just events that happened, from the Big Bang on up to my conception and through my continued existence, to put me here now. So here I am and the universe is all I have. I have to Love My Universe, because this is what the fuck it is.
Yeah I'm not making any sense but today there is no editing.
There is Ace of Base. ::intermission::
Not one of their more exciting videos -- too much frickin symbolism, not enough greenscreen -- but still the best song possible. WE ARE TRAVELING IN TIME.
And finally, my memory kicks ass. I'm bragging here: I remembered that Helicobacter pylori is the common bacterium associated with ulcers -- upon seeing this article, about how women receiving treatment for H. pylori saw a resolution of their dyspareunia (they say that and vulvar vestibulitis and localized vulvodynia...words words) and digestive problems.
Really the story here is the article, not my memory. I just felt like bragging because I'm hyper. But dudes, I've thought for a while I might have an ulcer because I can no longer drink wine without getting nauseous and I've had pains there (but who cares about random pains anymore, really). So the coincidence is making me laugh. And I wonder if I should ask someone about it -- but really, which specialist do I ask and does anyone care. Ugh.
Anyway, dance and/or grilled cheese with tomatoes time. There's no "Which Ace of Base song are you?" quiz on Facebook. Yes I'm thinking of making one. I'm thinking, actually, that it's imperative that I do. And I actually want to make one too, but really only if I can do it in my lawn chair.