Friday, December 28, 2012


I am on Wellbutrin.  Everything I eat gives me heartburn.

The last antidepressant I took, Effexor, also gave me heartburn.  It hauled me out of a bad depression and drove me around until I found Catfish, but when I got there, he was baking me a cake and I was puking it up in his toilet.

Puking like this: eating his cake, feeling nauseous, getting up off the chair, walking to the bathroom, shutting the door, and gagging myself until I puked enough that I was pretty sure I wouldn't be nauseous anymore.

I think I might have kind of explained to him that it was the sugar in that way you explain something that sounds really dumb to your new boyfriend, but he kept feeding me cake, and chocolates, and ice cream.  It was his version of hunting.  And I kept eating his kills.

I went off Effexor and could eat anything again.  Then he and I fought, and I moved out and went back on Effexor so that last New Year's Eve, the eve of 2012, we walked home and got in bed too trashed to do anything, and a few minutes later I went to the toilet to puke so I could sleep.

That's the last I remember puking in that relationship.

That night, I shoved my tongue down his throat at midnight, which I think he liked, and then a little while later I recorded myself saying over and over to him after having taken a drag from a helium balloon, "I love you [Catfish Lastname] with all my heart."  I found the recording on my phone after we broke up.

I had been drunk enough in that moment to forget that I had recorded it.  But I do remember, or could later infer, that in all that repetition, I was trying to convince myself that he was my life mate, and I knew he wasn't.

I did that a lot.  For about eight months before I finally left him.  A period of my life I don't have words for yet.

This past month, I haven't been feeling it anymore.  You know -- little tugs of sadness, or sadness you trip into like a puddle, or regret, or missing.  It all tumbled away by itself.

I've also been eating a lot of crap.  And I've figured out how to deal with it.  I don't get nauseous on Wellbutrin, but I do get burpy.  So really what I need is to burp.  But I can't burp.  I'm a rat.  So I go to the toilet and I gag myself, and it overrides whatever keeps me from burping, and I burp in a giant way, and I've solved my problem.  No puking necessary.

So who wants to date me?

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