Thursday, February 5, 2009


Once in a while, I LOSE IT regarding vulvodynia.

I go along nicely, hopeful, living with it, being patient, taking it moment by moment, not over-analyzing, riding above the pain...AND THEN I WAKE UP and realize that my CROTCH IS IN PAIN ALL THE TIME.  ALL THE TIME.  ALL THE TIME.

And then I lose it.

(I'm trying to keep my finger off the shift key.)

When I was a teenager, I despaired in my teenage way that I would never be able to leave my body while in existence.  Why can't I be the sunset?  Why can't I be that tree?  Why can't I be a tire, or a puddle, or a cute toaster?  It drove me CRAZY (ahem).  And then I got addicted to wriggling my body randomly to music because it was the closest I could come to being a sunset.

I think that was prescient of me -- I think I knew that someday my body would become its own torture chamber and that I would be bound not only within its skin but under the incessant doings of an invisible lobster's claw, a netherly mace, the scrape of the devil's fingernail.

Thank Chevy for my car, in which I scream all I want and pretend no one can hear me.  Driving back from school tonight, I cursed everything that has failed me recently -- Microsoft and the city of Cleveland and dimwitted landlords and idiot mechanics -- and I saved the final and ultimate execration for my crotch.  Because it fails me every day.  My body fails me every day.

I've been trying to escape it since before I had reason to.  Now I have reason to, and oh, dear lord, I just want out.

Please note that I have sardonically tagged this post as COPING.


  1. I think yelling is quite healthy. Also, it's funny to visualize a girl screaming "F*** my crotch!" at the top of her lungs. Do it more often. You know it's better for you than the internalization of angst that comes with chronic conditions.

  2. Please know that I just screamed in solidarity with you.


  3. Thanks Kim & Rian & Jennie!

    Rian, yes, lol, that's hilarious. I live right next to the river -- I'd love to go down there tonight and scream it at all the industrial contraptions...seems fitting somehow.

  4. I feel your frustration! Every week as I go to doctors, they just constantly remind me my body is just a big medical experiment. It's not even a body anymore.

  5. thinking of you.
    i read this when you originally posted it, but i read it from my phone so commenting isn't possible.
    anyway, i've been thinking of you ever since and hoping all is better.

    lora (from

  6. Just found your blog... I like it. I had a similar experience recently, when I threw a glass as hard as I could at the floor. Probably not the smartest thing, and it was a pain in the ass to clean up... but damn. It felt really satisfying.

  7. Tamra, I know what you mean! Doctors are revolting to me right now. I don't want to go back just to be poked and prodded and told "who knows?" again.

    Lora, thanks so much. That really warms my heart.

    AK, lol, I know exactly what you mean...the frustration can come out in pretty destructive ways sometimes. I've tried taking it out in the gym lately, and I think it helps, though I can't scream there :)