Thursday, February 5, 2009

SOMETIMES I GO CRAZY

Once in a while, I LOSE IT regarding vulvodynia.

I go along nicely, hopeful, living with it, being patient, taking it moment by moment, not over-analyzing, riding above the pain...AND THEN I WAKE UP and realize that my CROTCH IS IN PAIN ALL THE TIME.  ALL THE TIME.  ALL THE TIME.

And then I lose it.

(I'm trying to keep my finger off the shift key.)

When I was a teenager, I despaired in my teenage way that I would never be able to leave my body while in existence.  Why can't I be the sunset?  Why can't I be that tree?  Why can't I be a tire, or a puddle, or a cute toaster?  It drove me CRAZY (ahem).  And then I got addicted to wriggling my body randomly to music because it was the closest I could come to being a sunset.

I think that was prescient of me -- I think I knew that someday my body would become its own torture chamber and that I would be bound not only within its skin but under the incessant doings of an invisible lobster's claw, a netherly mace, the scrape of the devil's fingernail.

Thank Chevy for my car, in which I scream all I want and pretend no one can hear me.  Driving back from school tonight, I cursed everything that has failed me recently -- Microsoft and the city of Cleveland and dimwitted landlords and idiot mechanics -- and I saved the final and ultimate execration for my crotch.  Because it fails me every day.  My body fails me every day.

I've been trying to escape it since before I had reason to.  Now I have reason to, and oh, dear lord, I just want out.

Please note that I have sardonically tagged this post as COPING.

8 comments:

  1. I think yelling is quite healthy. Also, it's funny to visualize a girl screaming "F*** my crotch!" at the top of her lungs. Do it more often. You know it's better for you than the internalization of angst that comes with chronic conditions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Please know that I just screamed in solidarity with you.

    XOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Kim & Rian & Jennie!

    Rian, yes, lol, that's hilarious. I live right next to the river -- I'd love to go down there tonight and scream it at all the industrial contraptions...seems fitting somehow.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I feel your frustration! Every week as I go to doctors, they just constantly remind me my body is just a big medical experiment. It's not even a body anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  5. thinking of you.
    i read this when you originally posted it, but i read it from my phone so commenting isn't possible.
    anyway, i've been thinking of you ever since and hoping all is better.

    lora (from www.mychassis.blogspot.com)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just found your blog... I like it. I had a similar experience recently, when I threw a glass as hard as I could at the floor. Probably not the smartest thing, and it was a pain in the ass to clean up... but damn. It felt really satisfying.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tamra, I know what you mean! Doctors are revolting to me right now. I don't want to go back just to be poked and prodded and told "who knows?" again.

    Lora, thanks so much. That really warms my heart.

    AK, lol, I know exactly what you mean...the frustration can come out in pretty destructive ways sometimes. I've tried taking it out in the gym lately, and I think it helps, though I can't scream there :)

    ReplyDelete