Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Anxiety and normality

I wonder if I would have mental problems to the degree I do if I didn't have chronic coochie pain.  Thinking about that alternate universe isn't helpful, but I am in a phase where I am really pissed at vulvodynia.  My anxiety is so high these days that I feel like I'm in heart-attack mode all the time, and I know it's my stupid crotch putting me there.

I need to relax, fully, somewhere.  I lie back on my bed to meditate and when my mind drifts, it drifts to funny things.  So there's background noise that is trying to help me calm down.  But at some point I get jumpy, and a worry sprouts, and I find myself opening and closing my eyes, fighting the worry down.

The way my heart is beating these days, it's like I'm in a screaming match with someone.  I don't attribute it to vulvodynia.  I don't make the connection.  But there's the endless period, the menstrual accoutrements, the lidocaine, the valium, the antibiotic, waiting to see if the treatments will work, food, sitting, libido, wanting to date again before I die, standing here at my desk feeling like I've got a prickly pear between my legs.

I've read that unpredictable work can be stressful.  I think my pain's unpredictability stresses me out too.  It's all over the place and I never know where it'll go next or why.  I never know how it will react to a set of variables.

My cooch sets off my anxiety which wears away at my quality of life, and I'm feeling like a void right now.  I want to be normal.  As normal as I can be.  People say there's no such thing as normal, but there is too.  It's a realm, not a single figure.  Bell curve.  Majority.

I think we've found meds that mostly control my mental illness, but they don't make me a superhero.  I tell myself, "No one would be able to handle vulvodynia without going crazy."  It'll sink the most normal ship.

If my vulvodynia is a permanent condition, can I be normal despite it?  And if I can be normal, what treatments will it take to get me there?


  1. Just wanted to let you know I am going through the exact same feelings! Before my vulvodynia (pudendal neuralgia) set in, I used to have big goals for myself, possibly law school, lots of travel, etc. I used to be sooooo picky when it came to dating, thinking there's this whole world out there of guys...wasn't planning on settling down for a long time because there are so many options out there. But now I just want normalcy as well. I just want to be able to make enough money to get by and be independent and at least somewhat happy...and my dating standards have changed as first thought is always-will he be able to handle my chronic pain?!? But I'm right there with ya...I have had anxiety issues my whole life and think all the time how ironic (in a bad way of course), that I, out of all people, get this?! I don't have the coping skills to handle it. And I constantly think how different (better) my life would be without this. If you ever wanna chat my email is don't blog or subscribe to blogs.

  2. I have very similar issues as you with V and muscle spasms, clitoris pain as well. My specialist started me on Lamictal and I am titrating up to 400mg so far I am at 100mg. I saw you had taken this before. Did it help at all with pain? She told me I wouldnt feel any relief till I got to 200mg.

    My best to you between resources like above, many books and studying how to tone down the sympathetic nervous system a d activate the parasympathetic, I'm 80% better. I was home, in the house, in ago for a decade. Diagnosed with VVS (by Goldstein), IC (by moldwin), went to Amy stein PT for 8 YEARS out of pocket. Look into sr Sarno, dr schubiner (great online course), dr wise (wise Anderson protocol books)....mindbody work is the only thing that will cure this. The mere suggestion would've made me livid bc I would've thought that it meant it was in my mind but that's NOT what it means. It's all REAL physical pain but caused by an imbalance in the nervous systems as well as neuropeptides (google dr candance pert). You CAN get better. I was SEVEREEEEE. Best of luck! From NYC