I wonder if I would have mental problems to the degree I do if I didn't have chronic coochie pain. Thinking about that alternate universe isn't helpful, but I am in a phase where I am really pissed at vulvodynia. My anxiety is so high these days that I feel like I'm in heart-attack mode all the time, and I know it's my stupid crotch putting me there.
I need to relax, fully, somewhere. I lie back on my bed to meditate and when my mind drifts, it drifts to funny things. So there's background noise that is trying to help me calm down. But at some point I get jumpy, and a worry sprouts, and I find myself opening and closing my eyes, fighting the worry down.
The way my heart is beating these days, it's like I'm in a screaming match with someone. I don't attribute it to vulvodynia. I don't make the connection. But there's the endless period, the menstrual accoutrements, the lidocaine, the valium, the antibiotic, waiting to see if the treatments will work, food, sitting, libido, wanting to date again before I die, standing here at my desk feeling like I've got a prickly pear between my legs.
I've read that unpredictable work can be stressful. I think my pain's unpredictability stresses me out too. It's all over the place and I never know where it'll go next or why. I never know how it will react to a set of variables.
My cooch sets off my anxiety which wears away at my quality of life, and I'm feeling like a void right now. I want to be normal. As normal as I can be. People say there's no such thing as normal, but there is too. It's a realm, not a single figure. Bell curve. Majority.
I think we've found meds that mostly control my mental illness, but they don't make me a superhero. I tell myself, "No one would be able to handle vulvodynia without going crazy." It'll sink the most normal ship.
If my vulvodynia is a permanent condition, can I be normal despite it? And if I can be normal, what treatments will it take to get me there?