Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Funeral Rite

My uncle's mother died last week.  She was so light the wind might as well have picked her up and knocked her into a tree.  But she went by usual means, being old, the body wearing out.

She was a full-voiced woman despite her thin body.  Pictures at her wake showed her to be of beauty that is regal in its reserve.  In one picture, she sat on a sofa in a billowy gown made pink after the photo was developed.

My uncle's brother gave a bare-souled eulogy.  The pallbearers carried her out to the hearse, and we sat in our idling cars.  The snow was more like mist.

We took surface roads for a while, then we got on the expressway headed east.  I swore.  I was the last car, the flashers on my hatchback frantically warning people to get out of our lane.  Cars and SUVs ran up and slid around me in the slush.  I swore more.  I swore at the woman ahead of me, her spine too collapsed for me to see her past her seat.  I told her she was driving too slowly, that she had to keep up because I didn't know where we were going.  I put some music on to camouflage my swearing inside of singing.

Finally, after miles, after arriving in an outermost suburb, we turned off into the cemetery, its gravel path soaked with winter.  By the time I got out of the car, the casket rested on its support.  We walked up the grass, across headstones we couldn't see under the snow.  The pastor said a few words, very few, the temperature below freezing.  He asked the family to lay their flowers onto the casket.  Beautiful roses dropped onto the lid, some pink, some a perfect white.  I wanted to stare at the white flowers, but we, the more distant relatives, we went back to our cars to give the family a moment with their matriarch before she went into the ground.

Why aren't we carrying her?  Why aren't we carrying her festooned casket down the street, bells ringing, people chanting, ourselves dressed in our brightest colors, why aren't we putting her on a funeral pyre, why aren't we dancing to reach the gods and ask them to receive her?  Why haven't we put food in her casket?  Why aren't our bodies painted -- why do we have no song?

I wondered in the car on the way to the cemetery -- how do I require dancing at my funeral?

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19 comments:

  1. I was just at a dear friend's funeral, he died too young. But that is not the point. We was Mexican by birth, although only his father still hung on to that heritage. However, apparently it is a Mexican tradition to have Mariachi's playing at the gravesite. I mean no disrespect, BEST FUNERAL EVER. Really. I told my husband as we were walking back to the car that i want mariachi's at my funeral. We saw the band getting into the car and he asked if we should get their card :-)

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  2. Sorry for your loss. And yes, I agree. Some sort of dancing to celebrate a life well lived would be a wonderful way to honor the deceased.

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  3. How bleak. Your ending reminds me of the New Orleans funerals that start with a procession playing a sad song and then end with a celebration.

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  4. Funerals are so depressing. I'd prefer that they were a celebration of a lived life.

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  5. I agree, the westernized funeral ceremony is fairly unceremonious. When did we stop celebrating that person's life and start mourning our loss? I have told my husband that I refuse to be buried. I even wrote out a short part of a will so that if I die before my time it is in writing. I don't want people crying over a box being dropped in the ground!

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  6. I'm sorry for your loss. This is wonderfully written. There should definitely be more dancing at funerals My mom has already said she wants a party with bright colors and no gloom!

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  7. I have stated that I want everyone at my funeral wearing Hawaiian shirts and drinking umbrella drinks. No black allowed...

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  8. Sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing the story. It's true that funerals make a sad time even sadder. There should be songs and dancing and cake, and it should be about the wonderful life that was lived.

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  9. Your ending reminded me of the funerals they have in New Orleans. We express (or fail to) our grief in such a restrained way. It sure would feel good to let it all out some time.

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  10. I love this. I don't know that I want dancing at my funeral, but it's because I don't like dancing. But the sentiment, I get. Love the way you wrote it, esp the last big paragraph. Well done.

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  11. I loved your paragraph of questions. It's almost like we are not brave enough to have a celebratory funeral for those who pass on. Sometimes I wish we were. I wonder if the people who plan my funeral will be celebrate me, or just stand around and cry and mourn unnecessarily.

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  12. In my faith, I believe the dead pass into new life, and it's something we claim to look forward to. I also think a funeral should be a sending-off, even as those of us left behind are hurting. I had to say goodbye to a neighbor & friend earlier this year. He left behind 3 kids, close in age to my kids. The church was packed, and the service was traditional, but I was glad there was so much more in it about Sam's life than his death. Thanks for calling attention to this!

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  13. All I know is I hope I die in the Spring. I love daffodils and tulips!

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  14. I agree with you. We need to celebrate the life which passed. If that's music and dancing, I'm in!

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  15. Sorry for your loss. You make a good point. It's such a strange time, losing someone you care about. Hard to be happy and celebrate life at that time. But, yes, I can see wanting others to celebrate the way you want them too when it's your time.

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  16. Thank you everyone for your comments! I am not able to respond individually right now as it turns out this post has more gravity for me than I thought. But I have read every comment and I very much appreciate them!!

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  17. Mourning in Western culture is so strange, so cerebral and...unmournful. Or even celebratory. I agree, dancing or at the very least body-painting should be required.
    I'm sorry for your loss.

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  18. Sending warm thoughts, strong hugs and badass strength to you. Beautiful tribute.

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  19. This is a really beautifully written piece. I have always felt this way about funerals too! It is only lately that I have felt otherwise...We had a terrible fire here two weeks ago, three lost, all acquaintances of mine in their twenties. Never before did I understand hair-ripping out howling grief the way I have seen my friends pass through it. We had a wake one night, it was the best night. We all laughed and cried and were together. Together is best. I am sorry for your loss too.

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